Divorce and its impact on us all
I often use this example of the effects of divorce upon a couple: Imagine taking
two pieces of typing paper and gluing them together. Allow the two conjoined
sheets to dry overnight. The next day, find the corners of both sheets and
gently pull them apart. Nice and neat…you won’t want to make a mess.
Impossible? Yes, quite. That’s what happens when a couple who makes a
covenant vow before God miraculously becomes a one-flesh relationship, then
attempts to renege on the deal.
Divorce is messy. It simply cannot be tidy, try as we might. What God has
drawn together, let no one tear apart. “But what if God didn’t draw us together?”
someone might argue, looking for loopholes (I hear that all the time). A couple
is drawn together by an act of their wills. It is their vows that “draw” them to
God when they make a covenant in His Name.
Yet, we persist in trying to kill the marriage that we birthed. Even in The Church,
a minister will preach against divorce UNTIL his little girl’s husband cheats on
her or comes home drunk or hits her. Suddenly, it seems to be the only option.
If you have children and are considering divorce, I have a question for you:
Why do you hate your children so much that you would cripple them for life?
If you say, “But Michael, you don’t know what I’ve gone through with this
person!,” hear me out on this one: Until she divorced me, I stayed married
to a woman with whom I’d had three children even when she had an affair
and became pregnant. When her lover chose to pay for an abortion, I opted
to raise the baby as my own. That baby – my youngest daughter – is married
now, has a baby of her own (my beautiful granddaughter), and the family
attends church with me.
I have earned the right to talk about this subject. But I won’t. I will simply
share with you some quite telling statistics with which one can argue if one
is so inclined. The first part, “The Impact of Divorce upon our Kids,” came
from a newsletter entitled, “Common Sense and Domestic Violence,” 1.30.98).
The second part, “The Impact of Divorce upon America,” was written by
Patrick F. Fagan and Robert E. Rector for The Heritage Society.
These articles are thought-provoking. Pass them on!
THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE UPON OUR KIDS
Allegations of family violence are the weapon-of-choice in divorce strategies.
Lawyers, and paralegals in women’s shelters, call them “The Silver Bullet”.
False abuse allegations work effectively in removing men from their families.
The impact that the removal of fathers has on our children is horrific. The
following lists some of the consequences of the removal of fathers from the
lives of their children.
Inter-spousal violence perpetrated by men is only a small aspect of family
violence. False abuse allegations are only a small tile in the mosaic of
vilifying the men in our society. They serve well in successful attempts to
remove fathers from the lives of our children. Here are some statistics
resulting from that which show more of the whole picture.
79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award
29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award.
46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support.
26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support.
20.0% of non-custodial mothers pay support at some level
61.0% of non-custodial fathers pay support at some level
66.2% of single custodial mothers work less than full time.
10.2% of single custodial fathers work less than full time.
7.0% of single custodial mothers work more than 44 hours weekly.
24.5% of single custodial fathers work more that 44 hours weekly.
46.2% of single custodial mothers receive public assistance.
20.8% of single custodial fathers receive public assistance.
[Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 - U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services -
Office of Income Security Policy]
40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the fathers visitation
to punish their ex-spouse.
["Frequency of Visitation" by Sanford Braver, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry]
50% of mothers see no value in the fathers continued contact with his children.
["Surviving the Breakup" by Joan Berlin Kelly]
90.2% of fathers with joint custody pay the support due.
79.1% of fathers with visitation privileges pay the support due.
44.5% of fathers with no visitation pay the support due.
37.9% of fathers are denied any visitation.
66% of all support not paid by non-custodial fathers is due to the inability to pay.
[1988 Census "Child Support and Alimony: 1989 Series" P-60, No. 173 p.6-7, and
"U.S. General Accounting Office Report" GAO/HRD-92-39FS January 1992]
·63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
[U. S. D.H.H.S. Bureau of the Census]
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
[Center for Disease Control]
80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
[Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14 p. 403-26]
71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
[National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes
[U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept., 1988]
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.
[Fulton County Georgia Jail Populations and Texas Dept. of Corrections, 1992]
Nearly 2 of every 5 children in America do not live with their fathers.
[US News and World Report, February 27, 1995, p.39]
There are:
11,268,000 total custodial mothers
2,907,000 total custodial fathers
[Current Populations Reports, US Bureau of the Census, Series P-20,
No. 458, 1991]
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Children from fatherless homes are:
4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,
6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),
24.3 times more likely to run away,
15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,
10.8 times more likely to commit rape,
6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.
(The calculation of the relative risks shown in the preceding list is based on
27% of children being in the care of single mothers.)
and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married
parents — children who are in the care of single mothers are:
33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical
attention), and
73 times more likely to be killed.
WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?
The harmful effects of divorce on children were documented in the Bible almost
400 years before Christ. We are told that God hates divorce, (Malachi 2:16).
Note that He doesn’t hate those who GET a divorce. Marriage is a covenant,
not independent agreement: “Because the Lord has been witness between
you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet
she is your companion and your wife by covenant” (v. 14) This passage
reveals that the wife is not inferior but is a companion in whom the husband
should take delight. Marriage also assumes a sexual union – a union that is
much more than a mere physical experience; it is a union of body, soul and spirit.
This relationship between husband and wife is essential to a healthy family
relationship. Children identify with their parents as separate individuals but,
also, with the relationship between them. They carry this model into adulthood
and use it to design their own family.
Except in the case of premature death, marriage embarked upon in youth is
intended to remain into old age. The marriage-covenant relationship is
intended to produce children and to provide them with the physical and
mental nurturing that young, developing minds require.
This is the basis of the injunction recorded by Malachi against Israel. They
were destroying the security of future generations by dismantling the marriage
relationship, just as we are today. Divorce weakens the foundation of a society.
Children of divorce are negatively affected as the statistics reveal. They carry
the impact on into adulthood and, in turn, diluting the ensuing generations.
THE IMPACT OF DIVORCE ON AMERICA
by Patrick F. Fagan and Robert E. Rector
Each year, over 1 million American children suffer the divorce of their parents;
moreover, half of the children born this year to parents who are married will see
their parents divorce before they turn 18. Mounting evidence in social science
journals demonstrates that the devastating physical, emotional, and financial
effects that divorce is having on these children will last well into adulthood
and affect future generations. Among these broad and damaging effects are
the following:
Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse.
They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are involved
more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.
Children of divorced parents perform more poorly in reading, spelling, and math.
They also are more likely to repeat a grade and to have higher drop-out rates
and lower rates of college graduation.
Families with children that were not poor before the divorce see their income
drop as much as 50 percent. Almost 50 percent of the parents with children that
are going through a divorce move into poverty after the divorce.
Religious worship, which has been linked to better health, longer marriages,
and better family life, drops after the parents divorce.
The divorce of parents, even if it is amicable, tears apart the fundamental unit
of American society. Today, according to the Federal Reserve Board’s 1995
Survey of Consumer Finance, only 42 percent of children aged 14 to 18 live in
a “first marriage” family–an intact two-parent married family. It should be no
surprise to find that divorce is having such profound effects on society.
… Fiscal conservatives should realize that federal and state governments spend
$150 billion per year to subsidize and sustain single-parent families. By contrast,
only $150 million is spent to strengthen marriage. Thus, for every $1,000 spent
to deal with the effects of family disintegration, only $1 is spent to prevent that
disintegration. Refocusing funds to preserve marriage by reducing divorce and
illegitimacy not only will be good for children and society, but in the long run,
will save money.
…If the family is the building block of society, then marriage is the foundation
of the family. However, this foundation is growing weaker, with fewer adults
entering into marriage, more adults leaving it in divorce, and more and more
adults eschewing it altogether for single parenthood or cohabitation.
American society, through its institutions, must teach core principles: that
marriage is the best environment in which to raise healthy, happy children who
can achieve their potential and that the family is the most important institution
for social well-being. To set about the task of rebuilding a culture of family based
on marriage and providing it with all the protections and supports necessary to
make intact marriages commonplace, federal, state, and local officials must have
the will to act.
FINAL THOUGHTS
If you are in an abusive situation, get out, but with the purpose of reconciliation.
Do so before somebody gets killed. Far too often, I counsel people who have
been separated who, though claiming that they want their marriage restored,
have started dating again!
If your spouse has problems, make that poor individual jump through some
hoops before you consider going back to them. If they are into Internet porn
or gambling, place an adult guard on their computer. Have them attend
counseling, pick you up for church…set the rules and do not budge! Divorce
simply can NOT be an option! Do not use the word, certainly never as a threat.
Don’t fall for those puppy dog eyes or crocodile tears. Get tough and stay that
way.
Ladies, far too many men are going through the Peter Pan syndrome. These
boys don’t want to grow up. They may be cute and muscular, but that’s a
façade for what they REALLY are: little boys. Their toys have changed but
many are still playing. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, cars, even women, these
things are nothing but toys to them. They need to grow up and you can help.
Guys, this world is full of lustful men who are being fed a steady diet of breasts
and buns. When your lady goes off to work and runs into a sensitive, listening
kind of man, you might be in big trouble. Even if there’s nothing physical
going on, soul-ties may be created as some other man is stimulating your girl
emotionally. If you’re a couch potato whose idea of a good time is watching
football in your underwear and “letting” her make your supper, your covenant
marriage is an accident waiting to happen.
I pick on the men because we are the Prophets (representing God to our families),
Priests (representing our families to God) and Kings (the Servant-kind, following
the example of Jesus) of our homes, The Church that meets in Your Place. More
and more these days, I’m running into situations where it’s the ladies who are
having the affairs, deserting the family for some guy they met online, or seeking
after a lesbian experience. I hear it all. Far too many people are being easily
lured into a trap, taking the bait and ruining many lives in the process.
Far too many of these are Christians. Their moral failures are shaking the
foundations of Christianity.
Our problem is going to take Divine intervention to reverse. That alone should
give us all great hope for the future. Jesus is the answer to every problem
known to man.
You may not feel like reconciling. You may not see hope for a reunion. But the
biblical ideal for a separated couple is reconciliation. So how do you do it?
When doors slam and angry words fly, when things just aren’t working out,
and even when your spouse is interested in someone else, there is hope. The
Word of God is active and powerful. It offers the salve needed to heal lives,
and that salve can heal marriages, too. Gary Chapman’s book, “Hope for the
Separated” will show you that by following the proven advice of God’s Word
you can achieve reconciliation with your mate. There are many similar tools
available that will do you NO GOOD unless they are appropriated.
You CAN restore your marriage. If you fail that test, you’ll be tested in that
same manner later.
So, pass the test!
Every blessing,
Michael Tummillo
A servant of God
PASS THIS ON TO AT LEAST 5 OTHER PEOPLE!
SOMEONE YOU KNOW MAY BE CONTEMPLATING A DIVORCE RIGHT NOW!
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