DIVORCE?
I do quite a bit of relational counseling. Always have. Even before I knew the Lord, people would come to me asking for advice.
I recently counseled a couple who absolutely hated each other. Still married, but hating every minute of it.
Currently, I’m counseling a woman who believes her spouse has found somebody else. He denies it. I’m doing premarital counseling with two young couples. Another woman who was living with a man, talking about marriage, now claims he accused her of cheating and ran up all kinds of debt on her credit cards before leaving her finances in a shambles. They seemed so in love first time I met them.
So, how do we go from starry-eyed lovers to seeing red every time the other’s name is mentioned?
I saw a book jacket recently with a title that got my attention: “Married but not Engaged.” Instantly, I knew what the book was about.
When someone is “engaged” in a conversation, this means they are “into it.”
If someone has an engaging personality, that means they have the ability to “draw you in.”
Got it?
Too often, married couples cease to be engaged in their relationship. They start living parallel lives, becoming more like roommates than spouses. The things they discuss are shallow topics the likes of which they could say to anyone. Things like, “What time is it?” or “Is today trash day?”
They stop communicating. Stop making love. They become like married zombies and their wedding ring becomes a shackle. On occasion, someone else comes into the picture who strokes their ego, makes them feel special, and an affair ensues; even an EMOTIONAL affair. I’ve even seen this happen with a man and his wife’s sister.
I HATE YOU TRULY
Another common occurrence is when a partner begins to feel contempt for their partner. I’ve heard things such as:
“He got me pregnant at 16 and, three babies later, now my youth is gone. No prom, no college, no life’s experiences…just diapers.”
“She let herself go. She used to make me look good…now, I’m embarrassed.”
“I feel like he’s a ball and chain, keeping me from enjoying life. We fell out of love long ago. After the kids leave, we’re getting a divorce.”
“My wife and I have an understanding: I’m in love with another woman so I spend time with her. Once the kids are grown, we’re through and I plan to marry this other lady.” (The mistress dumped him.)
“I love the guy but he just can’t seem to keep a job. I know I can do better.”
These people weren’t engaged in their marriages; they were ENDURING their marriages.
Love is not an emotion; it’s a choice. The warm, fuzzy feeling that we get today can become cold and hard with time. The person who makes us happy today can make us miserable with time.
Are YOU engaged in your marriage?
Dave Roever’s wife, Brenda, stayed with him after a phosphorous grenade in Vietnam burned away huge portions of his face and parts of his body. While one man after another died in the army burn unit, he witnessed as other men’s wives came and left, one woman actually taking off her ring and laying it between her husband’s feet. Dave’s wife was different. She decided to LOVE her Davey. She hadn’t married him for his looks any way. Since then, their ministry has blessed millions worldwide.
This is how Dave describes the day his wife first saw him after the accident. He had been transported to Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio: “My wife Brenda, still a teenager, walked into my room; a girl I had respected while we dated. She was a virgin when I married her and so was I. Our relationship was built on respect, not the back seat of a car. Two kids had waited for each other because they respected and honored God and themselves. Now, that respect would come back, not to haunt me, but to help me. The day Brenda stepped into that room it was truth or consequences. She walked up and read the chart on my bed to confirm I was her husband. She read the tag on my arm to be certain the right man was in the right bed. Then convinced it was me, she bent down, kissed my face, looked me in my good eye, and stated, ‘I want you to know that I love you. Welcome home, Davey.’”
Brenda was engaged to be married and was engaged IN the marriage.
Marriage is work and work is hard. Too many people stop working at being married. Sure, they go through the motions, but, in reality, they’re emotionally divorced and setting themselves up for failure. Staying married and LOVING your spouse is, in reality, a choice. Often, we associate with others who encourage divorce (misery loves company and they don’t like him or her any way) and we listen to our own words as we program ourselves into leaving him/her.
MUST-DO’S FOR THOSE WHO SAID “I-DO”
In the book entitled, “The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life!,” the authors outline what they believe are 9 keys to marital success:
1) Establish Cherishing Attitudes
(2) Pursue Financial Security
(3) Discover Sexual Satisfaction
(4) Spend Time Together
(5) Develop Genuine Friendship
(6) Value Physical Attraction
(7) Cultivate Emotional Oneness
(8) Guard Home Harmony
(9) Build Spiritual Fusion
Indeed, these are the “must-do’s” for anyone who has said “I do.”
I once heard a young lady ask her husband, “I don’t know…ya think we’re gonna last?” Over the next five years and two kids, both have cheated on each other, she ran off with another man for about a month, and she’s run away to her dad’s at least a half dozen times. He told me recently they’re living together (again) but now she’s talking about wanting to have another child. I can’t help but wonder if the fact that he no longer does drugs and is working a job longer than he had in the past might have something to do with her attitude change. In addition, he hasn’t thrown her around the house in a drunken rage since year one.
WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY
Dr. John Gottman provides interesting research findings that suggest why it is important to work at saving your marriage. He states, “The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a 40-year period is 67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years. The divorce rate for second marriages is as much as 10 percent higher than for first-timers.”
Gottman further explains:
Numerous research projects show that happily married couples have a far lower rate for physical problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety, depression, psychosis, addictions, etc. and live four years longer than people who end their marriages. The chance of getting divorced remains so high that it makes sense for all married couples to put extra effort into their marriages to keep them strong.
According to a national study (the National Fatherhood Initiative Marriage Survey), more than three-fifths of divorced Americans say they wish they or their spouses had worked harder to save their marriages (see fatherhood.org).
At a recent Marriage Conference sponsored by Focus on the Family, I heard Dr. Gary Smalley quote the findings from a study of unhappy marriages conducted by the Institute for American Values. The study revealed that there was NO EVIDENCE that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married. Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who STAYED TOGETHER reported that their marriages were now happy just five years later.
COMMUNICATION, SEX AND MONEY
Dr. Edwin Louis Cole wrote a book by that title. When I counsel couples, I am certain to cover all three areas of their relationship. Why? Because Satan – who is bent on destroying anything that represents Christ and His Bride – will generally attack any or all of these three areas.
Are you communicating? Do you yell? Do you say things that hurt and tear down, or are you encouraging and uplifting? Do you say things you could say to anybody on earth, or do you try and have at least one “deep” conversation a day that focuses on your spouse as an individual or on your marriage?
When it comes to sex, are you working at it? Do you have hang-ups about sex, insecurities about your body, or misconceptions about what sex is all about? In a world that gives much misinformation about sex, it’s no wonder we’re feeling pressured into performing, feeling inadequate, turned off, etc. Many with whom I counsel admit to learning all they learned from dirty magazines and playground conversations.
Do you know what your spouse prefers sexually? Do you know the difference between sex and intimacy? Do your sexual encounters end with the male orgasm? Do you two still date? Though this is by no means all-encompassing, are you taking care of yourselves, making yourself as appealing as you can before each sexual encounter (breath, showering, toe nails, even stretching exercises)?
Guys are generally more physical than emotional while women are the opposite. There are plenty of physical things a man can do from patting her bottom in the kitchen to buying her a bouquet just because. It’s been said women warm up like an iron while men turn on like a light switch. Guys, start warming her up by washing the dishes, making the bed, bathing the kids. Ladies, don’t use sex as a weapon or a reward for being good. Your bodies belong to one another.
Sex is either a holy act or a habitual one.
Where finances are concerned, even a couple who have both lost their jobs can CHOOSE to remain happily married without casting blame. I STRONGLY suggest couples participate in the Dave Ramsey course, too. Use the envelope system, too! It works.
In closing, don’t expect your spouse to “make” you happy. You must pursue that happiness on your own, intimately, with your God. After all, He is your Sustainer. It is so unfair to anyone to expect anyone else to be the source of your happiness. They are NOT your Messiah, after all. Get things right with HIM and see if things don’t fall into place. The Bible says it this way: “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you,” (Matt 6:33).
Build into your marriage. Invest in it. Attend marriage enrichment weekends. Subscribe to MarriageVine.com. Read a couple’s devotional together. Pray together. Date each other. Call each other. As with anything else, we get out of marriage what we put into it. My wife and I attended a marriage conference and decided to pay for both my daughters to attend. They and their spouses loved it! They even ordered the DVD and intend to watch it together again AND view it with others.
Ask yourself, “Have I HONESTLY worked at nurturing my marriage?” Most of us were ill-equipped and, frankly, will likely do no better with our next relationship than we did the last one.
If you’re divorced, do not allow yourself to feel the condemnation of others, especially within the Church (we’re SO bad about that). God isn’t mad at you and He will make ALL things work together for good. Remember, there’s no such thing as a tidy divorce, but God’s grace will prove sufficient in the long run. We do reap as we sow, however. It may take a while but everything WILL ultimately be all right.
FINAL TIPS BEFORE TYING THE KNOT (AGAIN):
Experts recommend you experience each birthday and holiday at least ONCE on your own before you even start thinking about looking for someone else.
I recommend you let a relationship happen organically; just let it happen.
Dating is a false environment at best; a job interview.
Don’t confuse infatuation or lust for love.
Don’t marry out of loneliness, for financial reasons, to get out of the house, for regular sex or any OTHER reason except to join forces for the sake of building God’s Kingdom. Have yourself together while you’re by yourself. Don’t be needy of anyone but Christ. When you meet someone else like that, you’ll BOTH be in love with the same person!
Become what you want to marry. We DO reap as we sow.
Before you say “I do” say “I won’t! Don’t have sex before you get married! Sure, you may miss the intimacy but it SO muddies the waters. If you break up, you’ve created a sinful soul-tie that must be broken…it just gets messy! I’ve also read that many women feel a deeply-rooted distrust of their spouse with whom they slept, even if they did so willingly.
A young couple knocked on my door late one Friday night. The reason? They were alone at home and wanted some accountability (nothing cools your jets like two hours with me)!
Computer dating? Barbara and I met on www.ChristianCafe.com, however, we never spoke by phone UNTIL we’d written 186 times. We got to know one anther from 3 hours away without all the dating pressure. I knew she’d be my wife after our first date. For her, our second. I never even proposed!
Need online assistance with YOUR marriage? You can EVEN do so anonymously! Employers, please consider offering thos service to YOUR staff as a benefit. Start the process with an e-Mail to team1min@our-town.com
Every blessing,
Michael Tummillo
Workplace Chaplain/Pastoral Counselor
